70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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