the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize