My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
