I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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