did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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