I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
