Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
