it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
