The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
