Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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