I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
