where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
