I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
