I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
