We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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