I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
