My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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