I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
