do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
