I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
