my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he told me I talked like a deaf person
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
