Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
