My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
