I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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