so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
