Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
