70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
