I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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