Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
