Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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