i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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