How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize