you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
