Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
