I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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