Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
