i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
