Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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