If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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