I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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