I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
