pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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