Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
