She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
