I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
