Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
