I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
