He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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