how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Randomize
