My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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